Muddy waters

My life is nothing but muddy waters,

Unclear to see, not beneficial for even drinking,

Just straight uncomfort,

Straight uselessness and just unnecessary.

More and more, I start to question my use here on earth,

As my life hasn’t really amounted to much.

Hello, depression, a familiar friend.

Hello, darkness, we know each other too well.

I know you’re glad to see me.

Did you know I was coming?

Did you expect to see me so soon?

I didn’t.

I thought, with the sweat of my brow, my life would be so good.

Different spaces and places and my world would just bloom.

But here I am again, singing this same old tune,

Of a life that just won’t move.

I am frustrated,

Sadness is not enough to describe the dry tears that occur from being numb.

I am too accustomed to the stinging cold breeze

That slaps my skin, abusing me,

Because I am too within reach,

Malleable in the palm of their hands.

I am broken,

Because emotions like sadness never manifest.

Because anger is the only person that takes its place instead.

She sticks up for me, advocates for me,

And keeps me strong in a life where it is difficult to find helpers.

Anger pushes me along, sadness weakens me.

But oh, how I long to embrace her completely,

To be softened by her touch.

I desire her friendship,

She would be a great comfort and support,

A way to release these flooding waters within me.

But she never comes, so I reject her fully.

I am so sick of being me.

I experience a lot of doubt all the time.

It is so hard to believe a girl like me can have everything.

The most overlooked, nobody ever sees me.

Why would I get flowers

When thorns stick to me?

A silent prayer and wish is all I have,

To hope that in 24 hours,

This all becomes tired,

And I am living a dream,

Whole and surrounded by bliss.

Anu Aborisade